What is Happiness?

Have you ever watched a child play, giggle and connect with their friends. It’s authentic, light, fun and contagious. The weight of adulthood is not upon them and they look genuinely happy. Why can’t it last?

We have never had it so good!

In western culture we have never had it so good - access to clean water, free education, health care and welfare services, more food that we can eat, warm and dry housing, sanitation… the list goes on. Our survival needs are more than met.

So why is it that we are in the middle of a mental health epidemic. Rates of depression, anxiety, eating disorders and addictions are at a high. It would seem that as our lives get easier and more abundant the sicker we become. Something does not add up.

There are multiple factors at play, but perhaps it is best to start at the beginning, the evolutionary start.

The Beginning.

For the majority of our ancestral evolution we have existed in a state of survival. Our primary goal was simply to stay alive and those who were the most successful, and therefore survived to procreate, were the ones who were able to predict, assess and avoid threats. Threats came from predators, rival groups, the cold, the heat and starvation - our day to day life consisted of avoiding threats, meeting our primary survival needs and, of course, reproducing to ensure the survival of our genetic line.

Life was dangerous. But perhaps we could argue it was also simpler.

Evolved.

Nowadays, as a result of our capacity to negotiate the world around us, we have evolved to ensure our primary needs are sufficiently met. We switch on the heating to stay warm, we go to the shops to get food and turn on the tap to get water, we lock our doors to stay safe and we have cameras and alarms to warn us of intruders. We dedicate very little energy to our basic needs and as such we have more time and energy to invest in other things - work, shopping, fashion, beauty, travelling, education… the list is endless.

Now there are many benefits to living in a world where our basic needs are met and we can focus on ourselves and moving towards self-actualisation. If you are familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs then you know what I am referring to, if not check out this link - Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

However, there are also potential drawbacks. This is where we need to think about Western Culture and how far removed we have become from the things that really matter to our existence and contribute to overall mental wellbeing.

The problem is we are looking for happiness in the wrong places. We look for it in ‘stuff’. We look for it in ‘appearance'. We look for it in ‘accumulation’. But, most of us, actually have everything we need.

The need for approval.

Thanks again to our evolutionary programming we have developed to seek the approval and acceptance of others. It makes sense that if we were rejected by the group then our very survival was at stake. It benefitted us to fit in, to be accepted and liked, those things brought safety and ‘happiness’. Those that didn’t conform were rejected. Our programming is also responsible for our continual need to compare ourselves to others. We can make upward comparisons and we can make downward comparisons. Upward comparisons can help us to strive for more but can make us feel inferior, and downward comparisons can make us feel better about ourselves by observing how superior we are.

The role of consumerism.

The modern world we have created is dependent on consumerism. The more we spend the better. Marketing is aimed at persuading people to buy products and services and exploits our evolutionary hangups to be liked and the internal drive to compare.

Persuade a person that if they don’t have the latest phone, don’t conform to a certain look, don’t drive the right car etc then (by comparison) you can make them feel vulnerable to social rejection.

The message is clear:

If you want to be accepted, and feel happy, you need the perfect body (because your body is not good enough)

If you want to be accepted, and feel happy, you need a better car (because your car is not good enough)

If you want to be accepted, and feel happy, you need wrinkle free skin (because your looks are good enough).

You are never good enough. Even when you get what you think you want, it will still not be enough.

So, we are inevitably persuaded. We buy the latest fashion. We get the latest skin treatment. We upgrade our phone. We buy the designer handbag. We finance the car of our dreams. We feel happy, content, superior in our accomplishments…at least for a while.

But the pleasure is temporary. We now look for the next thing to fill that hole of ‘lack’ whilst simultaneously looking around, seeing everything we already have and asking ‘why can’t I just be happy?!’.

The role of Social Media.

Now, we also have to consider the role that social media plays in the way we view ourselves, how we compare ourselves to others, the illusionary sense of connection and the increase in the potential risk of perceived social rejection.

Social Comparison - It is not like it used to be.

Firstly, we know that we are all driven to compare ourselves to others. Whenever you see an image, post or story on social media you will be going through a comparison survey in your mind. Am I superior or inferior to them? Before social media (and media in general), the only people we would compare ourselves to were our neighbours and community. These were the only people we would see and we would also be seeing the reality, not a filtered version of reality. This comparison, particularly upward comparisons, could be a good thing. If the person we were comparing ourselves to was similar to us in demographic status it could help to motivate us to aspire for more. It gave us hope and ambition.

However, now we are exposed to hundreds of images of people all over the world. People who only present the best, filtered version of themselves - the ‘perfect’ body, home, children etc. We know in our rational brains that the images are not realistic but our primitive brains are not so quick to catch up. The upward comparison effect is bombarding our brains and all we see is how we don’t measure up to the filtered images we are exposed to. We are left feeling inadequate, lacking and unhappy.

The Power of Social Rejection

Secondly, due to the interactive nature of social media we can feel the rejection of the social group more acutely than before. Approval indicators on social media act as messages of social acceptance to our brain. A lack of response to our posts essentially tells our brain, you are not approved of, you are not liked, you are being rejected. Our primitive brain freaks out because, as already discussed, rejection from the group can compromise our very survival. Again, rationally we know better but the power of our evolutionary pressures are so great we still experience the fear, anxiety and sadness that comes with rejection and not being enough.

Our need for connection

Thirdly, social media can provide connection. Sometimes the connection is good, but in most cases, it is a false reality. Let’s say we have 1000 followers, this helps us feel accepted but who (really) among those followers do we really know and have a meaningful connection with? You can identify a person with whom you have a meaningful connection by simply asking yourself - ‘Who would I call first if I had some really amazing news?’ and ‘Who would I go to for support if I am was feeling down, upset or anxious?’ and who could you depend on to help you if shit hit the fan? The absence of meaningful connection is a significant contributor to mental health illness. It is far better to have two or three meaningful connections than 100 ‘friends’. But, social media places emphasis on quantity, not quality. Look at influencers - they get that status by incasing their following. That is because it provides a marketing advantage - influencers are the modern version of sales people.

We are left with the narrative that more is better but this is incorrect - less is better for happiness. Find your people, the ones that you could call in the middle of the night and they know they would be there for you - these are you happiness people!

So, without demonising social media too much, as it does have its uses and benefits, the way it operates exploits our evolutionary vulnerabilities to its benefit and, all to often, to our detriment.

Money, money, money.

A secondary effect is the impact it has on our need for more money. How do we buy more? How do we accumulate more? We have to earn more. We have to work, and work, and work.

And so, we work, we buy, we work, we buy. Yet how many of us are happy with what we have? How many of us are truly content and happy?

So, what is missing? Unfortunately, it is not more things. The evidence is clear.

The answer is not simple and it is not popular, but here it goes.

The duality of life.

Firstly, we need to accept that unhappiness is a part of life. Pain and suffering, loss and heartache, sadness, anger, anxiety. They are all part of the human experience. You can not have happiness without unhappiness. This is the duality of life. The messages that we are exposed to tell us that everyone is happy and they’re living their best lives. So when we feel down, and we have that type of messaging as our comparison benchmark we feel like something must be wrong with us. Why aren’t I happy? The truth is no one is happy all of the time, no one.

We also have a tendency to pathologist negative emotions. Label the person as a problem, rather than the feeling. I am depressed, rather than I am feeling depressed. I am anxious, rather than I am feeling anxious. This makes the experience abnormal and we seek to fix it.

(note, I am not minimising the experience of mental illness. There is a distinction between mental illness and experiencing normal negative emotions.)

When you can come to accept your normal range of human emotions and accept the bad with good you will start to find you feel less pressured to feel something else. When you can let go of the guilt and self-analysis that comes when you don’t feel happy and just accept that the feelings are normal and, as with everything, they will pass, you can release the need to perform.

Whilst you continue to associate negative feelings with abnormality you will be never experience the contentment that can come from simply being. Learning to understand where the emotions are coming from, reflecting and accepting, can bring profound insight, but for most of us this can bring up too much discomfort and the ability to escape is all too easy and accessible- - food, alcohol, social media, even exercise and talking can take your attention away from where it is needed.

Furthermore, understanding that emotions, like the tide, ebb and flow and nothing is ever permanent, can bring peace. As they say, it is okay not to okay and tomorrow is another day full of new possibility.

When we can become more comfortable with our own range of emotions we can also reduce the pressure on other people to feel something that they don’t, repress their feelings or perform. This can have a profound impact on our ability to connect, empathise and regulate.

Purpose and Meaning

Secondly, the two ‘things’ that have been found to truly bring happiness are harder to find than you might think - ‘purpose and meaning’. If you can find a purpose and a meaning, even the unhappy times will become more bearable. Your life will open up to you in ways that transcend material possessions, wealth and status. Things will become simpler, clearer and ultimately you will feel free and happier.

I say that these things are hard to find because the world in which we live make finding them a little tricky - we are so busy working, comparing ourselves to others, seeking approval from meaningless connections, trying to create the ‘perfect’ life and accumulating that it is hard to spot what is immediately in front of you. The life you have.

I write this as someone who has perpetually sought happiness in stuff and people who were not good for me, only to be left saying ‘why can’t I just be happy?’. I was a workaholic, I craved acceptance and approval from everyone I met and I loved spending. I still fall into the trap of wanting more, of feeling not enough, but I am becoming more conscious, more present, more grateful and as I do my sense of ‘happiness’ is increasing.

When you are searching for your purpose and your meaning, it is better to focus on what brings you joy. If you look at pay or financial gain you may never find the path you were meant to tread. If something makes you feel good and you are motivated to do it (beyond money) that is a good sign you are heading in the right direction.

Searching for Happiness.

So what is the answer? I am not sure but I can tell you what I have learnt and what I have found to be effective.

I have learnt to practice gratitude. To take moments to look around and be grateful for everything I have, that which I have worked for and everything that is free - my family, my home, nature, my health, my friends… I live a very abundant life in all the ways that matter to me.

When I practice gratitude I feel present and I am more conscious about what I need rather than what I think I want. This has helped me to simplify my life. If something does not come from a place off genuine need, whether that be for connection or things, then I move on by.

Consequently, I have been able to reduce my workload. I have time for my children, time to do things that bring me peace and happiness, more time to spend with people who I deeply care about and who bring me true connection.

It does not come without sacrifice. Everything is a trade. It doesn’t mean that I am not ambitious or that there are things I wouldn’t like to have. But, I am finding balance, I feel like I am moving in the direction of my purpose and that my actions and life have meaning beyond work and ‘stuff’. I am no longer impressed by people who have wealth, I am impressed by their human value, I compare less, I love more (including myself) and I seek meaningful connection with people who inspire me and lift me up.

You see, whereas before I was sleep walking, a product of cultural conditioning, I am finally waking up.

I also know this - You are absolutely enough just the way you are, whatever your wealth, whatever your appearance, whatever you have, you are enough. But me telling you that probably won’t change your belief, but it is a start.

You can strive to be a better human being but that does not come with accumulation and wealth. It comes with living life of love, gratitude, compassion, courage, purpose and meaning.

You can strive to own a bigger home, wear expensive clothes, drive a flash car, get promoted, lose weight, have baby smooth skin, but without the above it will not bring you what you the happiness you seek.

Watch yourself and slow down - time is quick enough as it is. Life is big, beautiful, dark, crazy and full of opportunity and happiness if you only take the time to see it.