How do you respond to rejection?

This is a tough one.

No one likes rejection but the way in which you respond to it can be an indicator or where you are in your life - your level of self-acceptance, unresolved hurt and trauma and your level of self-esteem.

When you are working on healing and/or making changes to your life or health the results are not always immediate or obvious. They can be subtle and gradual and will often show up in the way you respond to the people and events happening around you.

Speaking from my own experience it is only recently that I have been able to see the effects of the work that I have put into myself. A particular incident illustrates this quite well…

Recently I saw a work opportunity that I was interested in pursuing - it sounded like the perfect chance to learn and build on everything that I had done so far. However, there was an application process. I applied and spent hours on a Cover letter and CV. I submitted and then waited in bated breath for a reply. The reply came, “….we will not be taking your application any further at this time". Ouch! Not even an interview. Not even a personalised rejection letter. Nothing.

Old voices

I felt myself sink. I heard those old familiar voices, in my head, start chatting away using the opportunity to get loud and remind me that I was ‘worthless’, ‘useless’, and a ‘failure’. They reminded me that no- one would want someone like me, ‘you’re a fraud’ they said. They could have gone on and on…. Once upon a time I would have let them. I would have sunk into a semi-depression, I would have become angry, I would have sunk a bottle of wine, I would have been miersable for days and my family would bear the brunt. I would have gone into my shell, rejecting people and things that risked damaging my fragile ego more. I would tell myself, stay in your box and don’t think of getting out again.

Even as I write this those old, habituated ways of thinking and responding are still there. They are old friends that I could easily welcome back into my life. But these friends held me back and created a false reality in my head. They kept me small and insecure because they thought that was what I needed to remain safe. They had good intentions but the they failed to see the bigger picture.

Healing

So, when I heard these old voices getting louder and started feeling the emotions they conjured up I took a moment. I stepped out of myself and took a deep breath. I remembered a quote from Jaime Kern Lima that said something like…’when someone doesn’t want you it is not a sign that you are not worthy, they are just not meant to see your worth yet’. In other words, it is just not the right time, or it was not the right person, job, opportunity etc. It is hard to see that at the time, particularly, if it was something or someone you really wanted, but often things become clearer with hindsight.

In my 41-years I have experienced rejection and set backs, been forced to change direction against my will, missed out on opportunities and each time I have felt the hurt and despair that comes with failure and rejection.

Something to learn in everything

I now look back on every experience and understand there was something to learn, or the change in direction helped put me on the path that I am on now. Life is not always pleasant but when we look back we can see the bigger picture.

When I have experienced failure and rejection I have not always responded in a healthy way. In fact, I have never ‘responded’, I have reacted - I cried, I blamed, I got angry, I behaved poorly and I acted out. Why? because each of these experiences brought up emotions and memories ingrained into my nervous system from my childhood. I reacted like a child because something from my childhood was being triggered. I couldn’t regulate or rationalise.

I know this now, because I have spent time reflecting and I have done the work to understand myself better and I have worked on extending more compassion to myself. There is no point hating myself, beating myself up, criticising myself at every turn. That has not helped me before and it won’t help me to create a better life for myself now. Instead I have had counselling and coaching, I have read books and listened to podcasts, I have consistently done things I don’t want to do but which I know will help me - essentially I have been doing the ‘work’.

The result?

Remember that rejection I was telling you about?

I took a breath, I remembered the quote and I became calm. I focused on all the positives things that exist in my life as it currently stands. I remembered that nothing has changed in my life - I have not lost anything. I reminded myself that it is not personal rejection - there are a whole host of reasons (namely nothing to do with me) that resulted in the rejection. I reminded myself that it was just not meant to be at this time and more opportunities will come along. Then I simply moved on with my life. All within 60 minutes. That is the quickest rejection recovery I have ever had!

It was in that moment that I realised that I all the work I had done was paying off. I was finally conscious, awake and more aware and consequently I was able to respond intentionally and with purpose. I felt at peace.

The future

Life is bloody good! It won’t always be good. I am sure there will be times that will test me. The work will never be ‘done’, but I am growing, getting stronger and I am now better able to navigate my life on my terms. Life is happening for me, not to me.

I now dedicate my work to helping others achieve power over their lives, helping them to navigate the systems and thought processes that keep them from being who they want to be.

Not everyone needs a coach, not everyone needs to do the ‘work’, but everyone can benefit from releasing the chains that keep them from moving forward.

If you have felt stuck in your life, unable to move forward or become the person you know you can bet despite your best efforts, it might be time to change tact. Try something you have not tried before.

If you fancy a chat, why not contact me to arrange an appointment. No pressure, no obligation, just a chance for an honest conversation about where you are, where you want to be and the barriers that are in your way. Check out my testimonials to see how I have helped others.

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Start living the life you want now, tomorrow will thank you for it!