How do you talk to yourself?
Our critical inner voice provides an internal dialogue of negative and destructive thoughts. It is a well integrated and well worn dialogue that follows us around and narrates much of what we do on a day to day basis. It is this dialogue which is often at the heart of much of maladaptive, destructive and undesirable behaviours.
The voice is not an actual ‘voice’ (although it may manifest as this on occasion), rather it is a succession of self-limiting thoughts and attitudes. They swirl around our internal being and impose on our belief systems, self-esteem, self-confidence and overall self-worth.
Our critical inner voice can impact on every area of life, personal and professional. It can create barriers to achieving our dreams and desires. It can convince us we are unworthy of success, relationships or privilege, it will talk us out of doing things we know are good for us we and persuade us that any effort towards self-improvement is a pointless endeavour. It can undermine positive feelings and experiences and hang around like a dark cloud always ready to piss on our parade.
It can help to explain why so many of us fail to reach our true potential or back down just as we reach the summit of true happiness.
What are some examples of a critical inner voice? It will vary from person to person depending on where the voice comes from but some typical examples include:
I am so ugly
I am fat and unattractive
I am not clever enough…
People will think I am boring/stupid/awkward/odd…
I never get it right / I am always messing up.
There is no point trying as I will only fail.
But often our inner critic is not experienced through a statement, it is experienced through negative feelings and attitudes towards ourselves and others. For example, it could show up as a knot in your stomach, feeling low, a lack of motivation or jealousy.
The critical inner voice is like an unwanted guest; it turns up when you least want it, hangs around making people uncomfortable, eats all the food and and ruins the party. It clearly does not serve us in realising self-actualisation and self-fulfilment, so where on earth does it come from?!
To begin with the inner voice is learned. It is not natural or nurturing, it develops as a result of our own personal experiences of which there are two possibilities:
One possibility is that the ‘voice’ originates in early life. We have internalised the voices of our childhood. We may even recognise the tone and expression of some of the things we say to ourselves as belonging to a particular person. Or it might show up as a feeling you experienced, for example, ‘I am not good enough’ coming from the feeling that not matter how hard you worked it was never recognised by your parents.
A second possibility is that it developed as a self-protection mechanism. Perhaps as a way to keep yourself small and out of the spotlight, or to help you predict the rejection before it comes and enable you to keep a distance from people who might otherwise hurt you. In this case it had a positive intention for your wellbeing but is misplaced and counterproductive for your physical and mental health.
Of course the voice may originate from a combination of both early experiences and self-protection - For each individual the experiences, and how the ‘voice’ manifests, will be personal and unique.
The inner voice can either directly put us down preventing us from acting in a way that is in the or best interests or encourage us to do things to sooth ourselves under the guise of making you feel better only to criticise you fro being so weak! Have you ever experienced those moments when you have given in a had a drink/a piece of cake because you convinced yourself it would make you feel better but then, afterwards, you berate yourself for giving in and feel shame and guilt? I know I have.
In all situations the critical inner voice will either slow you down from achieving your goals or stop you altogether. It will convince you that your dreams are unrealistic, or that you are stupid for thinking you deserve such things. It will point to evidence to support its claims, reminding you of times that things didn’t work out, it will minimise times when you did make progress. The voice is at the heart of self-sabotage and self-destruction. It will ultimately keep you stuck or, at best, keep you going around in circles.
You will never win with the critical inner voice, unless you start recognising it. You will need to acknowledge it, understand the impact it has on you, become aware of where it comes from and challenge it through mindset shifts and behaviour change.
The good news is it possible to overcome your critical inner voice, no matter how long it has been with you. It takes time and it takes effort but the result can be life changing, enabling you to experience a life unrestricted by self-imposed limits and allowing you to step into your happiness and self-worth that you so deserve.
So what is the first step? If you are reading this and you resonate with it then you are one step closer because you recognise that your critical inner voice has held you back. Next step is to acknowledge exactly how it has held you back personally and/or professionally and then you will finally be ready to take action.
What sort of action you decide to take depends on the extent to which your critical inner voice holds you back. You may simply need to research it, invest in some guide books and practice journalling to develop more self-awareness. Or, you may need to invest at a deeper level by seeking talking therapy or coaching.
Your inner voice will tell you that it’s not worth it, it won’t work, don’t bother because you will only fail. The choice is yours - do you continue listening to that inner voice allowing it to keep you in a state of existing, or do you take charge of your life and jump into a new future of limitless potential and start living for you!?
Whatever you choose to do please be compassionate with yourself. If you decide to stay where you are then it could be that now simply isn’t the right time, or maybe you are just so focused on surviving to the end of each day it is enough to just be.
Only you can decide what is right for you, no one can tell you what what to do, ultimately it is your life and only you choose how to experience it.
Amelia Earhart
“The most difficult thing is the decision to act. The rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life and the procedure. The process is its own reward.”