I am not responsible for the insecurities of others.
Let’s flip that. You are not responsible for other people’s insecurities.
If a persons insecurities are triggered by something you have said or done you are not responsible for the outcome.
Have you ever found yourself treading on eggshells around someone, afraid to say or do anything that might upset them? Have you ever found yourself minimising your achievements for fear of making another person feel ‘bad’ because they haven’t enjoyed the same? Have you ever played down your happiness because you are worried someone will respond with a comment like ‘Well its okay for you…’. Have you ever made yourself smaller just to ‘fit in’.
I found myself pondering this issue recently. As women, we are conditioned to be sensitive towards others, considerate and thoughtful. We are also taught to be modest when it comes to recognising our achievements or displaying our talents and abilities. ‘No one likes a show off’, ‘Its not nice to boast’, ‘Don’t make yourself stand out’.
Obviously there are a myriad of issues with this type conditioning but the one potential consequence I want to focus on is the impact it has on our ability to understand where our responsibility for other people’s feelings should end.
Of course we should consider the outcome of our words and actions on other people. we can’t just bulldoze our way through life with no regard for how our behaviour impacts on others. That is why we censor ourselves in social situations when our overwhelming urge is to scream ‘F**k off. If we say something to someone, or act in a way, which we know will hurt another person we need to assess whether there is a positive intention behind it. Sometimes we might have to say or do something that we know will hurt them but we also believe that it is in their best interest. If there is no positive intention behind the action or word then chances are we should keep it quiet. One client reminded me of the saying ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ which seems to sum this up quite nicely.
So, to be clear, I am not saying we should not consider other people’s feelings, we are emotionally intelligent beings (well, at least most of us are, I hope) and we wouldn’t function as a society if we were all walking around devoid of empathy.
However, that being said if we find ourselves constantly adjusting, editing our behaviour our words to limit the potential impact on others, or engaging in obsessive self-reflection over what we might have said or done to upset another, then we are losing ourselves. We become a shell. We are no longer being true to who we are.
The problem seems to come when how you are, as a person, inherently seems to upset or offend another person. They just don’t like you. Which is okay. But, they take their dislike and make it an issue with you, its your fault that they don’t like you.
Sentences like the following may help to illustrate this type of thinking:
I don’t like it when she does ____ as it makes me feel ____
I find her confidence annoying, she’s just so up herself.
I wish she wouldn’t say that as it really upsets me.
Why does she have to go on about how great _____ is, doesn’t she realise I don’t have _____?! She’s so inconsiderate.
We are all plagued with insecurities of various types. Some bigger than others. We carry these with us and when another person says or does something that triggers these insecurities we have a tendency to assert blame/responsibility to the individual who triggered us. But it’s not their words or actions which are the problem.
For example, lets say we have an issue with confidence when it comes to asserting ourselves at work, so when someone we see someone similar to us (i.e. same sex/level of experience) being assertive and showing confidence by asking for a pay rise, additional support or promotion we attribute negative characteristics to them such as arrogance, pushiness, narcissistic, delusional.
This protects us from the real issue - Why do their actions bother us? What have they triggered in us? Why do their actions affect us? What wound is not fully healed?
If a person is just being themselves and they are not setting out to hurt anyone, why are we so bothered by them - why do we let them upset us, anger us or frustrate us?
There are maybe a couple of perspectives to take here:
They embody characteristics we wish we had, e.g. we wish we had the confidence to do what they do, we wish we were able to assert ourselves more. We are actually jealous of them in some way. For instance, when someone we know is able to afford something we can’t afford we might say something like “why do they need a car that size?”, “a house like that will cost a fortune to heat”, “those clothes are such a waste of money, you can get imitation pieces at high street stores which are nicer”. You might think you believe what you are saying - but why do you need to say these things in the first place? Why does it even bother you what they have? What is it triggering in you?
Their values conflict with your own. Imagine you have been raised with the value that success is defined by your position at work, the money you earn and how hard you work. Not an uncommon value. However, perhaps you meet someone who feels success is reflected by how much you enjoy your job and the time you get to spend with your family and friends. They would rather have a job that pays less but is less stressful and gives them the weekends free to enjoy with their loved ones. You might find it challenging to understand why someone would not want to earn more money if they could. You may interpret their attitude as lazy and unambitious etc. Why are you bothered what they do? Why are you bothered by the fact that they are happy where they are?
You feel threatened by them. Not in a violent or aggressive way. You don’t feel unsafe, but you feel your position is being threatened. Perhaps your close friend meets someone new through their work and they start talking about how amazing they are or how on nights out they have a blast. Why does it affect you that your friend, who you love, is enjoying herself with someone else? What are you worried about? Your friendship is tight, you have a good time together, so what is eating away at you?
So, in these instances you are either jealous of what they have, a persons values make you question your own or they make you feel threatened. In each case, these people are harmless and not doing anything that can really hurt you. So why are they getting to you?
Rather than justify your discomfort by finding fault in the other person, why not take a different perspective. Why not ask yourself why their actions or behaviour is triggering you? By looking at yourself you may be able to identify an area of insecurity that you would benefit from addressing.
For example, jealousy can often act a window displaying what we really want in life. If you want something then ask yourself what can you start to do to bring it into existence? Let your jealousy act as a guide to what you really want and then act on it. If you choose not to act on it then save yourself the negative energy and accept that you would love to have what that other person has but you are happy where you are and move on. Let it go.
So back to my original statement:
I am not responsible for the insecurities of other people.
If my behaviour, actions or words upset or offend you that is not my intention. I am just being me. Maybe I say something that you don’t agree with, perhaps I behave in a way that you wouldn’t. Perhaps you just don’t like me. That’s okay. I might not like you either. That’s okay. But, in any case my actions and words are not responsible for the way you feel - the way you feel is a product of your perception and is affected by your beliefs, values, past experiences and insecurities.
If I always adjust my behaviour and words to ‘fit in’, to remain small and to avoid upsetting or offending others then I am not being myself, I am not being authentic.
But despite knowing this, I know I am still affected by the conditioning, by the need to please others before myself. I worry that just by being me I am upsetting another person, that they won’t like me and I won’t be accepted. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, I know that, but there is a part of me that wants to be. So, I still censor my actions and words far more than I should and consequently, in doing so I reinforce the idea that I am not worthy as I am. This is detrimental to my self-esteem and self-worth.
To realise true inner confidence we have to first accept ourselves as we are. We have to open ourselves up to the rejection and loss we may experience by being ourselves. But in doing so, we will be able to experience peace. We will meet people who love us and accept us for exactly who we are and not the person we pretend to be.
So, whilst I know I am not responsible for other people’s insecurities I am still learning to relieve myself of the burden that comes with feeling responsible. Once I can completely accept in my heart that I am worthy as I am then I can finally become my true authentic self and maybe find true inner confidence and peace. I will let you know when I get there.
In the meantime, I invite you to question how often you edit your true self to soften the impact you have on others. I also invite you to notice when you cast blame or judgement onto others simply because they trigger a discomfort in you. Why do their behaviours affect you?
Healing not only comes from accepting yourself, but also in the acceptance of others.
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