The Confidence Paradox.

When people meet me, they often assume I’m confident. And they are right - in some ways. So it surprises them to learn that I’ve struggled with chronic low self-worth. While I’m now on a journey of recovery, my self-worth has typically been very low. And yet, I am confident.

Among other things, I’m confident in my abilities as a teacher and a coach. I’m also a confident swimmer, a confident driver (truly!), and confident in my ability to cook a roast dinner!

You see confidence often comes from experience and evidence—practice, feedback, and refinement. Positive feedback builds confidence and constructive criticism can lead to growth or a change in direction. So we can develop confidence in our ability to do x/y/z as a result of experience - it is objective and we can point to evidence to support our confidence.

Here’s the key misconception: people assume that someone with confidence must also have high self-esteem and self-worth. This isn’t true. While some people may score highly on all fronts, confidence often masks deeper issues with self-worth.

I’m one of those people. I can present as confident in many situations while lacking self-worth on a deeper level. It’s a paradox—and I know I’m not alone.

The Secret Struggles of High Achievers

In my work, I’ve had the privilege of meeting incredible women—high achievers, outwardly strong and capable, and often appearing supremely confident. But many of these women share a secret: they struggle with self-worth.

They may excel in their careers, personal lives, or hobbies. Yet they carry a persistent sense of not being "enough." This internal conflict creates barriers to their dreams and undermines their peace and happiness.

Why does this happen? Why would someone so capable struggle with self-worth? To understand this, we must define self-confidence and self-worth.

Self-Confidence vs Self-Worth

‘Self-confidence’ refers to belief in your abilities and skills. It’s built through evidence—practising, improving, and receiving feedback. Confidence is also situational, for example, you may feel confident at work but less so in social situations.

‘Self-worth’, on the other hand, is a deeper sense of your inherent value. It’s knowing you are worthy and enough simply by existing—not because of what you do, how you perform, how you look, or what others think.

It’s perfectly possible to have high self-confidence but low self-worth.

The Roots of Self-Worth

Self-worth begins forming in childhood. It develops when we feel valued simply for being ourselves, independent of achievements or behaviour. But when worthiness becomes tied to external factors—such as being "good," achieving success, or pleasing others—our understanding of self-worth becomes distorted.

Take, for example, the "good girl" syndrome. This conditioning teaches us that our worth depends on compliance and self-sacrifice:

- Don’t be "bad" by speaking up.

- Don’t be "bad" by outshining others.

- Don’t be "bad" by making mistakes.

Over time, this leads to a fragile sense of self-worth. No matter how much we achieve or how many people approve of us, we still feel unworthy.

Reclaiming Self-Worth

True self-worth doesn’t come from external validation. It’s a state of being—a deep knowing that you are valuable just as you are.

So, how can we begin to nurture self-worth?

1. Clarify Your Values: Identify what truly matters to you. Are your choices and lifestyle aligned with your values? If not, consider adjustments that honour your authentic self.

2. Prioritise Yourself: Stop designing your life around what you think will please others. Instead, focus on what makes you feel alive and fulfilled.

3. Take Action: Self-worth grows through actions that nurture it. Imagine it as a neglected part of yourself—weak and undernourished. Start small: recognise it, accept it, and feed it. Over time, it will flourish.

When your self-worth strengthens, you’ll notice profound changes. You’ll stand your ground more easily, hold firm boundaries, and demand more of what you deserve. You’ll feel lighter, less reliant on external approval, and more connected to your true self.

My Journey

I’m on this journey myself. I no longer feel the need to be liked by everyone or seek constant validation. While I still slip occasionally—especially when I’m stressed or tired—I feel more whole and content. Exploring what I truly want and aligning my life with those desires is liberating.

That doesn’t mean life is without challenges. I still encounter people whose values clash with mine and which make me question whether my values are worthy, and I must navigate those differences. But the more I nurture my self-worth, the stronger and more grounded I feel.

The Power of Self-Worth and Confidence

Confidence is valuable, but without self-worth, it’s fragile. When you combine confidence with a strong sense of self-worth, you become unstoppable.

Are you ready to commit to nurturing self-worth—not just for yourself but to inspire others, perhaps even your children. Because when we truly value ourselves, we create a ripple effect of strength, and joy that can literally change the world, at least that is my hope.

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